Barb Caffrey's Blog

Writing the Elfyverse . . . and beyond

Not Enough Words, Seven Years Later

with 8 comments

Folks, as of midnight 9/21/11, it has been exactly seven years since I last saw my husband, Michael B. Caffrey, alive.

I keep wondering what, if anything, I could’ve done to save Michael’s life, but none of us knew that his heart was about to give out.  If Michael had known anything of the sort, he would’ve camped himself in the nearest hospital ER even though he hated hospitals; there’s no way he’d have wanted to have his heart completely fail after four heart attacks, the first one having started around 10 a.m. on 9/21/04.   He fell into a coma quickly thereafter and never again regained consciousness.

Michael fought hard; the doctors said they’d never seen anyone fight as hard as Michael did to cling to life.  There was a pattern to the seizures he was having on the right side of his body; he appeared to be trying to communicate with me, even though he was in a coma.  He certainly knew I was there and he was trying very hard to make his body work; he just couldn’t do it, that’s all.

At 8 p.m., about two hours after a fourth heart attack had lowered Michael’s blood pressure to 30/10 with a pulse rate of 4, Michael was pronounced dead.  And I had to say goodbye to the man I’ve loved the most in all the world; I did my best to do this, even though it was and remains difficult for me to believe that my beloved husband Michael, an extremely creative, warm, and witty person, was dead.

I’ve told you in this blog post about how my beloved husband died.  But I cannot tell you how he lived, except with gusto and grace; I cannot tell you how much he loved me, only how much I loved him.

So, even seven years later, I don’t have the words to express the depth of my feelings for my beloved husband.  I wish I did; oh, do I wish I did.

All I can tell you is this: Michael changed my life for the better.  I miss him every single hour of every single day.  I know I always will.   And because of that great love, I will keep trying to help our writing find its audience (his, mine, ours, makes no never-mind now because it all has to go through me); that’s the only way I know to keep even a small part of him alive.

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Written by Barb Caffrey

September 21, 2011 at 6:58 pm

8 Responses

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  1. ((Hugs))

    Jasini

    September 21, 2011 at 8:38 pm

  2. I’ve met him, when the two of you were coming through town together as newly weds. I can tell you that he genuinely loved you with the same grace and gusto that he lived his life with.

    likamarie

    September 22, 2011 at 2:54 am

    • Thanks, Lika . . . I know that I showed one of my wedding pictures to one of Mom’s friends recently and her comment was, “I can tell how much he loved you from this picture.” She also said she could tell how happy we both were, and that my love for Michael was obvious in everything I did, said, was, or felt.

      We were very happy together but we didn’t get much Earthly time. Still, I treasure the time we received and hope that once we are reunited on the Other Side, in the positive afterlife (however that happens, as I’ve never quite believed in the whole “Pearly Gates” theory, though St. Peter himself I’d be interested in talking with if there really are “Pearly Gates” because you’d think he’d have some really good stories to tell!), that our happiness will have no end.

      Or, in a SFnal way to put it, “Time is irrelevant. Only love is real.”

      Barb Caffrey

      September 22, 2011 at 3:27 am

  3. This makes me want to cry! You’re so sweet and I can tell you loved him so much! He was so lucky to be married to you! ❤

    Landon

    October 23, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    • Thank you, Landon. He told me, several times, that he felt like he was the luckiest man on the face of the Earth to have won my love and loyalty. (I felt the same way about him, but couldn’t put it nearly as well. Though of course I _tried_.)

      Michael was, by far, the most important and influential person in my life, and the best person I’ve ever known. I know it sounds trite to say, but he certainly was — and still is — the love of my life.

      While I miss him profoundly, far more than any words could ever say, I try to be grateful for the time we were able to have together. I know that love like ours is very rare; to get it for even a day is a wonder, so to get it for over two years (married) or three years (together, then married) is amazing beyond measure. I do take comfort in the fact that love doesn’t die; only our bodies do. (This is where the whole “God/dess is Love” philosophy makes sense. Any Deity I’d wish to follow would certainly put Jesus Christ’s commandment to “Love one another, as I have loved you” first . . . and I believe romantic love falls into that category as well (as is evidenced by one of the romantic pieces of writing I’ve ever seen, the “Song of Songs” — also known as the “Song of Solomon,” which is in the Bible.) And I do expect to be with Michael again, in eternity . . . that helps.

      Barb Caffrey

      October 23, 2011 at 10:38 pm

  4. That was beautiful! You have such a lovely outlook. And I agree with all of your thoughts there on religion. I only wish Jesus’ followers were more like he was. Take care, sweetie! 🙂

    Landon

    October 24, 2011 at 5:36 pm


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