Barb Caffrey's Blog

Writing the Elfyverse . . . and beyond

Blogging and Life

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Some days, it’s easier to write than others. But lately, writing has been like pulling teeth.

Why am I starting out with this? Simple. I haven’t blogged much in a few weeks, and I’ve had questions as to why. Long-time readers probably know the answer, but I’m willing to give it again…it’s the time of year that’s getting me down.

Around this time thirteen years ago, my husband Michael was alive. Writing. Reading and editing my writing. Making me laugh. Letting me make him laugh. Cooking. Walking the neighborhood. Complaining about politics, and listening to my complaints about politics, too.

In short, living his life. And enjoying it, and our marriage, immensely.

Then came that awful day, the day that changed everything. The day he had four heart attacks without warning, which he couldn’t survive.

The day I became a (way too young) widow.

I can’t pretend that I like this time of year. And I won’t.

What I will say, as I said in last week’s blog about changing perspectives, is that I’m trying to look at it a different way. At long last, I am trying to see my husband’s life right now, rather than see the “period at the end of the sentence,” otherwise known as his death.

Yeah, at other times of the year, I see Michael’s life quite well. And it comforts me. It gives me hope, because I was fully understood and appreciated and admired, all for being myself. And boy, oh boy, was I loved…

(Embarrassed grin.)

Anyway. The fact of the matter is, I just hurt at this time of year. And because I hurt, my creativity is slowed. I find it hard to play my instruments, hard to write fiction, a little more difficult to edit (depending on the project), and just, in general, find life to be more of a drag.

That this year is going to be more like 2004 than not — in that it’ll be too hot, and too humid, for late September — is not helping.

Still, if I think about my husband’s life, and about how much he loved me, it helps. A lot.

I know Michael would like it if I could find more joy, more happiness, or at least more peace. And God/dess, am I trying.

As to why I’m blogging about something so personal?

Well, there may be some widow out there hurting just as much as I am. Maybe she’s wondering what the point is. Or wondering how on Earth she can keep going, keep striving, keep working toward a future she can no longer see, when the love of her life is dead.

I think there is a reason, but I don’t have a way to articulate it very well.

The best I can say is that because I was loved so well, I want to do right. I want to help others, in whatever way I can, and I want to keep going. Because that’s what my husband would want.

And I’m trying, so hard, to find a way to want it, too. Despite the time of year.

Because if I can keep trying, maybe I might eventually find love again. (Hey, it could happen. That I even want it to happen, after thirteen years, is miraculous enough. And no, you may not say “it’s about time.”)

I kind of think Michael would like that.

Written by Barb Caffrey

September 19, 2017 at 7:33 pm

7 Responses

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  1. I’m sorry to hear about this. It’s been 13 years but it’s like it happened yesterday. Your loneliness and longing are sucking all the creative energies you have, maybe that’s why you can’t write. But I’m glad still that you were able to write about it.

    Mylene Orillo

    September 21, 2017 at 12:34 am

    • Yeah, that’s basically it, Mylene. I really miss my husband. He was the best person I have ever known, and I was fortunate to have found him and been with him at all.

      My hope is that once I get past this particular day, I will be able to do more. Usually that’s been the case, so it should be so this year also.

      Bless you for commenting and for understanding.

      Barb Caffrey

      September 21, 2017 at 1:47 am

  2. There are a very few people who have inspired and motivated me like you have. Your relation with Michael Sir is what we call relationship goals. I wish I could find a love like this. And he will be so happy to see you carrying on what he and you both loved doing. Good wishes to you ma’am😍


    September 26, 2017 at 5:51 am

  3. I’m sorry to hear this is a tough time for you; it speaks volume of your love for Michael. I hope you’ll take it easy and be kind to yourself, and here’s a digital hug. ❤


    September 28, 2017 at 2:23 am

    • Thanks, Nicolle. Yeah, it wasn’t easy. But I’m glad to have the support and comfort from good friends. *hugs* back.

      Barb Caffrey

      September 28, 2017 at 10:35 am

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