Buddha’s Advice for the Grieving (An Apocryphal Story)

Folks, it’s that time of year again. It’s the holiday season, and as I’ve written before, here and here, it’s the time of the year when grieving people feel the most alone and misunderstood.

We feel isolated, you see. And that sense of isolation gets worse when you hear all the festive music, see all the twinkling holiday lights…so many people are bustling around buying gifts, you’d think that was the only reason anyone ever had to celebrate Hanukkah, the Winter Solstice, Christmas, or any other celebration save Festivus.

For some reason tonight, I was thinking about a story my late husband Michael told me about Gautama Buddha. (Michael was a Zen Buddhist.) This is in my best paraphrase, and does not come from a holy text — but I hope it will prove enlightening despite its apocryphal nature.

A distraught woman came to the Buddha and said, “I feel terrible. I grieve so much — surely there is some place on this Earth where people don’t hurt like this? Teach me, Buddha.”

And the Buddha is said to have told her, “I cannot give you this answer. But if you go around the world, ask people about grief. Then come back and let me know; I want the answer, too.”

So the woman went around the world and asked if anyone had the answers.

What she found is that everyone grieved something. Whether it was the loss of a loved one, the loss of a beloved pet, the loss of opportunities, even the loss of jobs, everyone grieved about something.

So the woman went back to the Buddha and said, “I did not find anyone who does not grieve, Buddha. Now what?”

And the Buddha gently told her, “Daughter, that is your answer.”

You see, if we all realized that we all grieve, there would be more understanding in this world. And understanding is the key to peace, if not necessarily the key to happiness itself…and it is understanding, along with the love of friends and family, that can help you when you feel lost and alone due to grief.

That does not take the grief away, mind. Nothing can.

But if you can talk about it, if you can accept it, that is the first step toward peace during this fractious, difficult, and often frustrating holiday season.

So please, do what you can to talk with your family members this holiday season, even the difficult ones who suffer from grief, anxiety, frustration, angst…try to show them kindness, love, and support.

That, to my mind, is the best gift you can possibly give during this holiday season.

Life Trumps Football; Packers OC loses son at age 21

Today, football took center stage as the Green Bay Packers hosted the New York Giants in the National Football League playoffs.  The Packers were heavy favorites, as they had gone 15-1 during the regular season; most people in Wisconsin thought about the game, and about whether or not the Packers would do well, and that’s as normal.

What wasn’t as normal was the grief Packers Offensive Coordinator Joe Philbin has had to deal with, as his son, Michael, died suddenly at age 21 due to what seems like misadventure in Oshkosh as his body was pulled from the bottom of the iced-over Fox River this past Monday.  Philbin was away from the team, something head coach Mike McCarthy said he’d completely expected.

“Joe Philbin is where he’s supposed to be,” McCarthy said. “Frankly, Joe and I haven’t even talked about his responsibility – and will not. He’s with his family and he’ll return when he feels he’s ready to return.”

This, of course is the proper attitude to take, especially considering this was an unanticipated death of a very young man.

The Packers ended up losing today’s game, 37-20, to the Giants, which as unexpected as that was on some levels actually makes sense to me.

You see, when people who matter to you die, that’s a lot more important than any football game, no matter how much you love football and no matter how much you root for the Packers.  Even working for the Packers, as QB Aaron Rodgers, WR Donald Driver, and others do is not as important as the loss of Michael Philbin, something every single one of the Packers are likely to understand down the road (even as the sting of this loss may temporarily crowd that out).

No one, but no one, wants to go to a funeral, much less a funeral for a previously healthy and happy 21-year-old.  The Packers went en masse to the funeral on Friday, and did their best to dedicate today’s game to the memory of Michael Philbin, but to my mind the grief suffered was just too overwhelming to bear.

My heart goes out to Joe Philbin and his family over the loss of Michael; may their memories of him sustain them in their time of grief, and may the people who care about the Philbins express their condolences no matter how awkward they may sound.  Because people who grieve need to know that the life of their loved one mattered, and believe you me, most people both need and want to keep talking about the person (or people) who matter to them, even if they’re now dead.

Because none of us knows the future, please remember to let your loved ones know that you care about them every chance you get.  Not a single one of us knows how many days we have left, and since we don’t know that, and we can’t know that, we have to make the best of whatever time we have. 

That way, when you’re left with nothing but memories (as I’ve been now, twice), those memories can give you some comfort amidst the pain.