Why We Need Empathy Now, or, Why You Should Never, Never Punch Down

Folks, I have been bemused — at best — by a complete and utter lack of empathy among many folks I know. I understand that tempers are frayed; we’ve already endured one lockdown and may have to endure another; the economy sucks; Covid-19 remains rampant in the U.S.; and no matter what we do, we can’t get away from these realities.

That puts a lot of stress on us, no lie.

But getting mad at grocery store clerks for having to enforce a mask mandate is stupid. Getting mad at someone who’s drawing unemployment because the U.S. government gave people under severe distress an extra $600 a week for several months is even more stupid. (Especially if you factor in the huge waits most of these folks had to get benefits they’d paid into. Unemployment insurance is not welfare. You pay into it when you’re working so you can get some help if you lose your job through no fault of your own. Losing your job due to the pandemic certainly qualifies.)

Getting mad at others because you, yourself, are up against it and hurting is very human. Yes, it is. But we are more than our basest impulses (or at least, we should be). And there are better people to be angry at than store clerks or medical personnel (many folks who can’t or won’t wear masks are angry at them, for some weird reason, as if they wanted Covid-19 about any more than the rest of us), and there are far better people to be angry at than the unemployed.

Simply put, if you are angry, you should turn that energy into something positive.

Here’s a few things to do:

Write to your Congressional delegation. Tell them what’s on your mind. Explain what you want them to do. And if you see them doing nothing, make sure you remember that when it comes time to vote.

Write to your doctors’ offices, if you can’t wear a mask due to PTSD or anxiety; explain that you do not want to hurt them or yourself, but you can’t wear a mask. Don’t stand on this pseudo-Libertarian argument that says, “Dammit, I have rights! I don’t want to wear a mask, and you have to see me anyway!” It’s a public health emergency, so no; they don’t. But you can get some help if you admit you have PTSD, severe anxiety or are so damned depressed you can’t handle the mask if you ask for that help, nine times out of ten. (The tenth time, you should write to whoever heads up the medical practice and complain to high Heaven.) Can’t they give you anti-anxiety meds before you are seen, so you can maybe get through the appointment without screaming?

And if you need surgery, and are again someone who can’t wear a mask — not just don’t want to, but can’t (as I don’t think any of us wants to wear masks, quite frankly; I’m asthmatic and I hate the damned things, but if they even give a scrap of protection to someone else I’m going to continue to wear the damned things because I don’t believe in hurting others to save myself) — please see the above.

And for the true Libertarians out there, I want you to consider this. I agree with you that you don’t have to wear masks. But if you don’t wear them, and a store requires it — which is something stores can do — don’t get mad at the clerks. (Yes, I’ve already said this, but it bears repeating.) Those folks don’t want to have enforce the stupid mask mandate any more than you want to be complaining about it.

The real problem, again, is Covid-19.

“But Barb,” you ask. “What’s this about punching down and needing empathy?”

Empathy is required to get through these exceptionally difficult times. We need to be kinder, not worse; we need to turn the other cheek more, not less. We need to remember that we’re all human. We’re all trying our best. We all are coping the best we can without running around and screaming, and need others to be as kind and gentle to us as we are to them.

The whole thing with punching down is, if you are angry with the people on unemployment for receiving extra money that they didn’t ask for but the government gave — why in the Hell are you mad at the people getting the unemployment rather than the government who offered them extra money during this time of unprecedented, multiple crises? (Mostly, again, due to Covid-19.)

These folks are hurting through no fault of their own. (See: Covid-19. Repeat as necessary.) You should not be angry at them. (And needless to say, you are not showing any empathy, are you, if you’re getting mad at people who’ve lost their jobs due to a pandemic drawing unemployment to feed their families and pay their bills?)

Be angry at Covid-19, if you must. (Not that it’ll care; it’s a virus. But still.) Be angry at the government for not preparing better for all of this.

Hell, be angry at the young adults acting like they’re immortal and partying on the seashore without masks and certainly without any social distancing. They’re a big part of why Covid-19 just won’t die in the United States, OK?

But don’t get angry at folks who need help. Don’t get angry with the doctors, even though a lot of what they do and say is frustrating. Don’t get upset at the people just trying to do their jobs without getting sick and perhaps dying, because for some folks, Covid-19 is more deadly than others (and they still don’t know why).

Channel your anger into something productive instead. Or better yet, try to understand why others are hurting, and do something, anything, to alleviate that hurt.

We must rise to the occasion and become better people. That’s the only way we can triumph over adversity that has any meaning and worth at all.

And remember: we need empathy. We need it now. We need it worse than we’ve ever needed it before. So be empathetic, and do your damndest to help others.

In short: Stop punching down. Lift others up, instead.

The Truth and Covid-19

Folks, lately there has been an assault on the truth the likes I’ve never seen.

First, there are the Covid-19 deniers. The folks who say there is no such thing.

Those are the worst of all. Because they are denying something because it hasn’t happened to them. (That is what narcissism is all about, to my mind, even though that is not its classical definition.) And because it hasn’t happened to them, goodness knows, it couldn’t have happened to anyone else.

Second, there are the Covid-19 minimizers. These folks say it’s not that bad. That most people will live if they get it. (True enough, though incomplete.) That the worst cases are only happening to people with pre-existing medical conditions or those of us who are overweight/obese (or, forgive me for using this offensive term, morbidly obese). And they say this with a casual disdain, as if these folks deserved to die or be severely impaired for the rest of their lives.

They aren’t much better than the first group. Not really. Because most of them haven’t had any relatives, doctors, or even casual acquaintances come down with it. And because it hasn’t happened to anyone they know, they figure it’s not really happening to anyone.

And third and somehow even more deadly group of people are those of the above two groups I’ve already mentioned who happen to be in the United States government right now. These people are making public policy, and yet they don’t have all the facts. Worse, they don’t seem to want all the facts…because that would interfere with their worldview, and goodness gracious, they can’t have that. (/sarcasm)

I am frustrated with these people. They don’t learn unless it happens to them. And sometimes, even if it does, they learn the wrong lessons.

Granted, we are all free to learn anything we want from our mistakes. But Covid-19 is so deadly to a certain percentage of the population that making too many mistakes will kill millions.

That’s a fact, too, whether anyone in those three groups I mentioned will ever admit it.

The truth about Covid-19 is that it’s awful. It has struck down people from all walks of life. It has struck down people of all ages, including the youngest (not many of them so far, but some). And some who’ve lived through it will be profoundly impaired the rest of their lives.

Now, me saying all that doesn’t mean you should panic. Because panic doesn’t get you anywhere.

What I am saying is that you should not deny reality.

Covid-19 exists. Take reasonable precautions. Do what you can to stay safe.

And if you are someone who cannot wear a mask due to any reason, be extra-cautious. Do what you can to stay in your car if you must leave your house. Let others do your grocery shopping, as much as that galls, as well as any other errands you have.

The final, vital thing I need to mention today is that you must prioritize your own life and health right now. No matter what anyone else says, you must do this.

That way, if you disagree with 100% of this blog, you can argue with me later as to how bad Covid-19 really was…rather than insist now it’s not a terrible thing, and end up finding out the hard way later that you were utterly, utterly wrong.

We Must Do Better and Insist on Better Health Care (A Collaboration with a Purpose Post)

Sorry ’bout the lengthy title there, folks…on with the show, er, I mean blog.

I am especially cognizant this year of World Health Day due to the myriad of health problems my family has suffered over the past year. Because of all the times we’ve been to the doctor, or in the hospital, or in the rehab center, I am more aware than ever about how we need better quality health care in the United States. (I can’t speak for the rest of the world, though my fellow bloggers have done so brilliantly. Links will follow at the end of this post.)

What I’ve seen shocks me. (And I thought I was unshockable.) A woman who needs hearing aids was in one of the rehab centers my family member dealt with this year, and can’t get them because she can’t afford them. She is over sixty-five, is retired, has Medicare–meaning, she does have state-sponsored insurance that’s subsidized by the federal government–and she still can’t afford hearing aids.

This affects her quality of life.

This affects how she can interact with her family, her grandchildren, and those working with her to help her heal up so she can go home.

There’s something wrong with a country that doesn’t find a way to help someone who needs hearing aids find a way to get them. (She is willing to pay, mind. Her daughter told me that. But it’s a matter of making it affordable so she can, and still eat, pay her bills, and afford her medications.)

Or how about this? I, myself, have dealt with a problem trying to get any help with my vision. I have Obamacare. I am eligible to be seen and get glasses, which would be subsidized (but not free)…yet every time I try to set up an appointment, and I’ve been trying now for over two years, I am told there are none.

So, I continue to wear glasses that are over two years old. My backup pair is over ten years old. My vision hasn’t changed much in all that time, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have a checkup or get another pair of glasses that is perhaps a little bit more up-to-date than my backup pair.

How many other people are out there who can’t afford to pay full price for glasses, thus wait to be seen, and then never get an appointment because it’s supposedly always full?

Then, there’s the problem of paying for medication. My family members have radically different insurance. One has no help at all to pay for her prescriptions. Another has some help. But when your medicines can cost over $300 per month — yes, one of the cardiac meds my mother takes is at least that expensive — the co-pay is still plenty high. And when you’re on a fixed income, in retirement, coming up with that high co-pay is damned difficult.

Why is this considered acceptable?

Then, there’s the problem of getting doctor’s appointments when you’re sick. (I know first-hand about that one, too.) Getting your doctor’s office to even call you back is a pain in the buttinsky. And then, if you do get to talk with a nurse, they just send you to urgent care anyway, so why did you waste your time?

In short, there are major problems with health care.

Right now, we have a proliferation of forms, a proliferation of HMOs, PPOs, and all sorts of other alphabet-type agencies, that basically boil down to, “No, we’re not going to help you.” And that is utterly unacceptable.

Mind, there are wonderful people in health care. I’ve met more great nurses and doctors (much less PAs and CNAs) than I can shake a stick at. These people genuinely want to help, but they are overwhelmed by paperwork and there aren’t enough slots to see everyone who needs to be seen. And nothing at all seems to get done whatsoever about fixing these systemic problems.

The World Health Organization has done this World Health Day since 1948, to call attention to the need for better health care for as many people as possible. (Preferably, it would be for every single last one of us, and that is indeed their goal.) And this year, their slogan is called #HealthForAll.

I think we badly need to be reminded that health must be cultivated. We have to have enough resources to help people get hearing aids when they are on fixed incomes. Or afford expensive cardiac medicines when they are on fixed incomes. Or have access to doctors, nurses, and appropriate care, while being treated as the human beings we are rather than an inconvenience or worse, someone to be brushed off and ignored.

So I’m pleased that the Collaboration with a Purpose group wanted to talk about World Health Day this year. It is something that is close to my heart. And it is something we desperately need — better health care, for as many people as possible, in as many ways as possible, so we all can live better and happier lives.

Because if you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything.

Period.

Now, please go check out my fellow Collaboration with a Purpose group members, as they all have interesting takes on the subject. (Links will be added as their posts go up.)

• Jothish Joseph — “Are You Healthy?”
• Mylene Orillo — “The Truth About Getting Sick in the Philippines“
• Ipuna Black — “Health is a State of Balance: Mind, Body, Spirit“
• Sonyo Estavillo — “#WorldHealthDay & Why #MentalHealthMatters“
• Tajwarr Fatma — “World Health Day” (about mental illness/mental health)
• Nicolle K. — Intro post about World Health Day
• Nicolle’s regular post is up! — “Health for All — Self-Care“
• Jane Love — “Three Vital Components of a Healthy and Balanced Life“
• Gelyka Ruth Dumaraos — “How My Father’s Health Condition Made Me Shift to a Healthier Lifestyle“
• Divyang Shah — “World Health Day!“
• Sadaf Siddiqi — “Health is Wealth“

When Life Gives You Lemons…

You all know the saying, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade?”

Sometimes, that lemonade can be sour, even bitter to the taste. But eventually, you will learn to tolerate that taste…and you might even begin to crave it.

Why?

Because it means you’re still trying. It means you haven’t given up. It means you know, deep down in your soul, you are doing everything in your power you can to make the world a better place.

You might be wondering what brought this on.

I’ve been dealing with a family health crisis this past week, and I’ve been running back and forth to the hospital. While I’d rather be doing just about anything else, I’m very glad to do this.

Why?

It means my family member is still alive, still fighting, getting better and doing whatever is possible to improve her health.

That’s a good thing.

See, the connections I have with my family and friends are essential. I want them to be happy, healthy, and to enjoy life to the fullest.

But no one can do that while sitting in a hospital bed.

Even though this week didn’t go at all according to plan, I’m glad that I was able to do something to try to help those who are important to me.

One final thought:

Sometimes, it feels like we’re not doing very much during a crisis. This is very human, but somehow we need to throw those feelings to the side.

Why?

Because self-forgiveness — which I’ve discussed before — is essential at times like this. We are not saints, and we can’t expect ourselves to act as if we are. All we can do is be ourselves, try our best, and do whatever we can to make life a little better place.

Including visiting those who are ill (if they’re up to visits), talking with them, and letting them know we care.

That’s what’s important.

Don’t lose sight of it. (Please?)

Quick Tuesday Ill Health Update

Today is April 2, 2013.  The day after April Fool’s Day . . . the second game of the major league baseball season (my favorite team, the Milwaukee Brewers, faces off against the Colorado Rockies in less than an hour).

And it’s another day that I’d rather forget, because I woke up sick with a very sore throat.  I had so little energy that I had no interest in eating (yet it wasn’t a migraine — with a migraine, I’d at least understand this), and ended up going right back to bed at a time I normally am awake and alert.

(Of course, then I slept for three more hours.)

Now, I’m awake again, and I hope to be able to watch the Brewers game.  But I’m unsure I can do that.  I’m also unsure I’m going to be able to do much of anything at all the rest of the week, which is why I’m writing this particular blog . . . even though it’s not something I enjoy doing, and believe it might actually be detrimental to my overall chances of employment down the line.

Still.  A friend of mine on Facebook had suggested a while back that if people were more honest about how they were feeling, maybe we’d see less artifice and strife in the world.  I didn’t entirely follow what he’d said, mind you — though I agree that people should be more honest and far less artificial — but in his clarifying notes, he said that what he wanted was to know that other people actually did get sick, did suffer when losing a loved one, did recover from illness and somehow dealt with their grief . . . all things our contemporary society tries to kick under the rug because these are not things that our society prefers to dwell upon.

Oh, no.  We’re supposed to be perfectly healthy.  Thin.  Never grieve the loss of a loved one.  Always be happy, even when we’re miserable.  “Fake it ’til we make it.”

That sort of thing.

And even though I’d love to be perfectly healthy (this after possibly the worst year, health-wise, I’ve ever had), certainly would like to be thinner and in better shape than I am, not be grieving for my beloved husband and my excellent best friend, etc., it’s not going to happen.

I’d rather embrace who I am, even if I’m not where I’d hoped I’d be by this time in my life.  I prefer to remember the people who’ve graced my life with fondness, bare minimum . . . everything I’ve gone through has made me who I am today.  And really, as I refuse to be one of these people who “puts behind them” the people they care about, or the memories they most treasure because society doesn’t like to dwell upon them, I need to continue to be my truest self.

Even if that means, like today, all I can do is rest, read a little bit (I’m too tired to read, which is how I know I’m really ill), and hope I can watch a baseball game (when normally nothing would keep me from at least listening to it).  And try to get back after it tomorrow, somehow.

Or at worst, the day after that.

My intention remains the same as before: stay alive long enough to get my book, ELFY, out there into the marketplace in the hopes that people I don’t know will enjoy the book.  And in the process, get every other scrap of writing I’ve worked on, or that Michael worked on, or that the two of us together worked on, into print as well.

That’s why I need to rest and get my sore throat to calm down a little bit.

Anyway, for the time being, there are other good blogs out there to keep you busy.  I suggest Jason Cordova’s blog, Kristine Kathryn Rusch’s blog, and Chris Nuttall’s blog “the Chrishanger” to get you started.   (All links are available on the side of my blog page.)

As for me, I will try to get a new blog up by the weekend.  But I have a big edit to complete, and a rehearsal to try to get to (even if all I can do is pick up the music and go home again), and lots of other stuff to do that’s too mundane to mention.

So do me a favor, and until then, contemplate this quote by Walt Disney:

There is more treasure in books than in all the pirates’ loot on Treasure Island and at the bottom of the Spanish Main… and best of all, you can enjoy these riches every day of your life.”

— From Peter’s Quotations : Ideas for Our Time (1977) by Laurence J. Peter (via Wikiquotes).

Because this is not only the reason I read . . . it’s also the reason I write.

Down with the Flu . . .

. . . and take that any way you want.

So far, 2013 has shaped up to be a year full of illness, frustration and pain.  I haven’t enjoyed it, but I have continued to do whatever I can despite all of the various things that have cropped up.

I saw my sister last week, which is a good thing.  Unfortunately, she came up with a particularly nasty case of the flu and let me know she’d been diagnosed with the same on Monday.

Despite all of the various things that have hit me within the last two or three months, I haven’t yet had an “official” flu diagnosis.  (Merely “flu-like symptoms” or a secondary infection — usually a sinus infection, occasionally a respiratory ailment as well — but not an actual diagnosis calling for Tamiflu or any of the other drugs that can help minimize a case of the flu.)  And it’s possible that this isn’t the flu either, though it assuredly feels like it as it came on suddenly within the last twenty-four hours and has disorganized my thinking like no one’s business.

So my hope is that it will leave suddenly, also.

If so, it wouldn’t be the flu — it might instead by that Australian norovirus I’ve heard about, which has a duration of 48-72 hours of nastiness for most people, then runs its course — but that doesn’t mean it’s any less distressing to deal with.

Topping it all off, I was midway through a story that I’d planned to submit to an anthology in a few days.  I don’t know this particular editor (I won’t name her), though I do know her writing . . . anyway, I’d introduced myself, told her a bit about my story and she said she’d look forward to reading it.

Now I may not be able to finish the story, which really bothers me as it shows a lack of professionalism.  (And to me, being anything less than a pro in every area is deeply disturbing.)

This particular anthology has a deadline of February 1.  I’ve known about it since early October — just before I took on the Bleacher Report internship, in fact — and thought about what I wanted to do that would meet the requirements of the anthology.  I had finally come up with what I thought was a winning idea . . .

. . . and am now too ill to finish the dratted thing up.

I do have tomorrow to make a stab at it, and if I can finish it up and believe it’s credible, I will try.

But the chances to do so do not look promising.

I know, however, that if I can finish this story, albeit more slowly than I’d like — providing I can do so before March 31, that is — I can try the Writers of the Future contest one more time as ELFY still isn’t out (I’m still going over copy-editing changes and have been asked to make one, last pass of my own in addition), not even in ARC format (that’s “advanced reader copy” to thee and me).  I may still be eligible even for the June quarter (though I’m unsure); I do know I’ll be eligible for the March 31 quarter.

So maybe not all is lost, no matter how it looks right now.

In the past few days, I did do some editing on some paying projects and a little bit of writing (I got all of 300 words into it yesterday before stalling, again).  So it’s not that I’ve done nothing whatsoever this week . . . far, far from it.

I just haven’t been able to get this done when it counts.  And that vexes me.

Sorely.